Krazy in Korea_world

Krazy in Korea

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Today is Budda\'s birthday. Or, as my Korean students say "Butanem." Or "Buchanem." Or "Butchanem." According to my kids, I haven\'t said it right yet. I think the last time I called him "Buchanan" and they only giggled "some" as opposed to "alot." I say the name of a right wing idiot and they hear the name of a fat holy man.

You can take from that what you will.

In any case, today, in honor of the spiritual master, I\'ve decided to walk the middle path. In this post I\'ll tell you a little about a lot of different things here in Korea. I figure I\'d start with something I\'ve noticed about Korean kids here, and the South Korean people in general: I\'m not sure they can die by conventional means.

Yeah. I know. I\'ll explain.

Let\'s start with the near fatal collisions that the kids here call "crossing the street." As I\'ve previously stated, the chances of ending up a traffic fatality here are just a little bit lower than getting regular mail delivery. To my thinking, the effect on every Korean mother with small kids should be obvious. You get a tube of Krazy Glue the size of a pepperoni stick and physically attach your kids to your apron till age 14. If you can also instill a deep-seeded fear of crosswalks, it would probably help.

And yet that\'s the reason I\'m not a Korean mother...aside from the lack of Asian ethnicity, children and a uterus.

It seems the plan for local moms here is not only to let their kids run into traffic, but encourage them to take along their little brother. Then, combine this quaint tradition with the U.N. officially recognized third worst drivers in the world. What\'s that give you?

A nation full of seven year olds creating their own daily X-Game event.

Now, have I seen any hits? Any accidents? Any Hyundai bumpers wearing Garanimals? No I have not. I\'ve seen so many close calls I could make a Fox Special out of it, but not one injury. Against all odds, these kids not only grow up, they grow up fast. They live like stuntmen, fight like Irishmen and pick their noses with joyful abandon.

Yeah, charming mental image. But I actually have to see it everyday.

While I find it daunting to understand this Darwinian mothering process, I can\'t blame the kids themselves. I mean an eight year old is bound to be a little edgy if he\'s been smoking half a pack of cigs a day since he was born. And growing up fast? Well that\'ll happen if you come out two years old.

Oh, believe me, there\'s an explanation.

Let\'s start with the age thing. Now, as I always saw it, the whole age and birthday thing, aside from those unlucky enough to get Feb 29th birthdays, was a relatively simple affair. You come out on a day. 365 days pass. You turn a year older. End of story. The world doesn\'t turn faster in one part than another so everyone, short of the leap year pariahs, goes through the same thing at the same rate. On the upside, it\'s all democratic and equal. On the downside, I turn 30 in February. All in all though, that\'s the process and everybody does it the same way everywhere.

Right?

Except in Korea.

In a move that will surely delight the pro-life factions of the world, when a child is born in Korea, he comes out and is...wait for it...1 YEAR OLD. That\'s right. Upon his introduction to cold air, circumcision and ass slapping doctors, a child comes into Korea with a full year under his belt. Now according to the copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" that I read at age 9 the Korean 1 year math is obviously off by three months. I would also like to add I read that book for insight and NOT naked pictures.

Hey that\'s my story and I\'m sticking with it.

Anyhow, despite the awkward medical figuring, you still have to appreciate the sentiment. A kid comes out 1 year old because he had life from the moment his father said "Was it good for you too?" It\'s odd but it makes sense in a philosophical kind of way. It\'s also practical, given how close most of these kids are to danger. You wanna give the tykes credit for every possible year before you turn them loose on the streets. I put the odds 1 in 4 they don\'t come back.

So, to recap, this aging aspect is weird, but medically, at least it has some basis.

The next part is just cracked.

When a kid in Korea is born he gets a year. Okay. But, when the Chinese New Year comes, he gets...are you ready?... ANOTHER year. In fact, let\'s say a child is born the day before Chinese New Year. He comes out 1 year old. The next day? BAM! Two. Two days old and two years old. It\'s the sort of thing that could make Mr. Rogers drop dead right on the spot. So to finish this age-math thing, ALL children will get those two full years I mentioned before added to their total age. As a result they will turn, on their first birthday...three years old.

Bring on the toilet training.

Why do they do this? There\'s some speculation it was to boost the ranks of the the army by getting around age barriers and just making everyone older. One guy I asked said it was something ceremonial having roots in a certain holiday...though he couldn\'t remember the ceremony...or the holiday...or his exact age. Still he was an excellent taxi driver and he didn\'t hit any kids.

Me? I think the whole thing was concocted by the Korean tobacco industry. There\'s a huge social taboo for women to smoke in public here and I think the whole thing was a ruse to get more men going on coffin nails younger. Makes me think the whole deal was concocted by some guy in marketing. A guy with his head up his pipe. It\'s nearly pointless. Thing is, as I was mentioning before, kids here already have smokers coughs by the time they hit pre-school. How?

Well let me hork up a lung and I\'ll tell you.

FYI: Not only does Seoul have one of the highest fatality rates by auto in the world, they also have, by city, one of the highest concentrations of cars. High polluting cars that nearly all run on diesel.

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