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After all is said and done, there\'s nothin left to say or do. -Daryl Dawkins- Yeah, I know what you\'re waiting for. But let me put it in context. It\'s a little known fact: you\'re only allowed to go on five gameshows before you die. Don\'t get me wrong, it\'s not an active law. My guess is that the mattress tag regulations are followed more closely. But it\'s a federal law - part of the speedily enacted congressional gameshow reforms of the 50\'s. The law stipulates, under penalty of prosecution, that a person may not be a gameshow contestant more than five times in his or her lifetime. To verify this, the BIG THREE networks are supposed to submit contestant rosters to Uncle Sam for regular registration. For years the government compiled a very large, secret, OFFICIAL US record of everyone who\'d ever thought they were good at guessing Turtle Wax prices. And it\'s only through the grace of god that the Russians never got a hold of it. Notice I used the past tense back there. That\'s because the big three became the big four. And then cable. And then syndicated. And then The WB and UPN. And then gamey-type reality TV that offered cash prizes but changed rules every 9.3 minutes and you had to sell 3/5ths of your soul. The story is the Feds just kind of threw up their hands sometime in the early 80\'s. So why the 5-timer limit? In the infamous gameshow-rigging scandals of the Fifties, the same popular contestants would go on show after show sometimes multiple runs on the same show and due to the power of prayer and positive ratings, they\'d keep winning lots of money. Well that, and the answers fed by a guy with a headset. So to prevent long-term collusion between players and producers, the law was passed. The rationale was that anyone who went on more than once, at most twice, probably had some sort of ace up their sleeve. By limiting their runs onscreen to five, you kept any schemes to defraud from running the table forever. "And besides," they thought, "there isn\'t an honest contestant in this country who would RE-subject himself to a gameshow\'s intense, public, repeat cruelty more than once. And in front of a national audience. What kind of mental case would put himself through that?" Which brings us to me. My name is Riley Ray Chiorando. I am 30 years old. I have reached the Federal limit for Gameshow appearances. Should I compete from this day forward, there is the potential for mandated jail time. In my lifetime I have been on the shows Turn it Up, Rumor Has It, Majority Rules, Sex Wars and finally CRAM. A total of FIVE shows. I have lost on every single one. It wasn\'t supposed to end like this. I was supposed to go out a winner. Overcome tremendous odds. Walk away with a substantial cash prize. And I would win on the hardest gameshow I\'ve ever competed on. The one that involved staying awake. The one with over 200 facts to remember. The one created for the GAMESHOW NETWORK for crying out loud. I mean talk about coming full circle. Win here and all my past sins would be redeemed in one tired swoop. But I\'m tell the tale. So you know it isn\'t that kind of story. So why isn\'t this a happy tale? Fate. Miscalculation. A blond. My partner in all of this was my best friend\'s sister. Her name is Autumn. To recap: she\'s energetic, pretty and has hair the color of sunshine. I asked her to be my partner for two reasons: 1) she stays up 24 hours at a shot taking care of autistic kids (so she has no problem being sleep deprived) and 2) she has the sort of look/personality that gameshow casting folks love. And let me say, love her they did. They had such a casting-crush on her that, after our tryout, they called us back within hours to be contestants. I\'d been on four gameshows before. The best I ever got was a next DAY call back. At the time I have to say, I was pretty pleased with myself. Autumn was funny, hyper, she was an actress so she looked good on camera and she\'d be wide awake after our time in the stir. I was pretty confident going into the box. In fact, there really were only two things I was worried about. The first was that she kept referring to our contestant selection as "we booked the job." Like it was an acting gig. And thing is, really, it\'s not. An acting gig is a set, regular piece of on-camera work you show up to do in a fairly non-competitive fashion. A gameshow is a life or death bloodsport. It\'s competitive, random and the second you say "we\'re just going to have fun" the other team smacks you in the head with a brick and ties your colon to a tree. So her use of the phrase "try our best" was a little worrisome. The other thing that worried me? I never asked her about her study skills. It was the main talent, aside from sleeplessness, that we were going to use in the next 24 hours. I assumed since she\'s a fairly bright girl she must study well. For the record, you\'re going to want to remember that idiot logic for later. We went into the mall at 3:45PM and got our orientation immediately. Around an hour later we went into the box and got started on our given study materials to CRAM for the night. They were weather symbols, pictures of spider species, knock-knock jokes, 3 magazine articles, and a book of various lists from indian chiefs and their tribes to E-mail abbreviations. It was a lot of stuff and we got started on the studying immediately. Let me say this: it began well We went through the entire knock-knock joke book using different voices, I made weather flash cards from brown paper bags and I\'d even come up with a theme song by The Guess Who to remember the American House Spider.
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